Defeat

I hate that feeling.  I do SO well with being the one in the family to keep it all together.  To be upbeat and happy go lucky about things and to always look on the bright side.  Jeremy works so hard to provide for us so that I can remain at home with Madelyn, that the least I can do is show that I am appreciative and that all he does is not at all unnoticed. When he's down, I'm the first one to say that those hardships are not at all things to fret over and that we are extremely blessed.  Pointing out the obvious: we have a healthy little girl, we have a roof over us, food on the table, friends and family who care, good vehicles, etc.  My favorite little reminder being, "It could be worse."  Knowing that God has a plan for us seems to get me through the day.

But now, and every so often, I find myself just a little bummed.  It builds and builds and builds until finally, I've had enough and I just want to cry. Oddly enough, I never do... I keep waiting for things to turn around and start looking up, yet they don't.  I keep searching for a glimpse of change, yet I find nothing.  I pray daily. Heck maybe even a few times throughout the day. When will things start looking up? 

See, now I feel completely ungrateful for all of the wonderful blessings I have and totally inconsiderate of others who have situations way worse than myself.  And now, not only do I feel like my bubble has been popped, I feel a bit guilty for asking God "why".  Bear with me guys, this is seriously how my mind works during these moments.  

You see, a while back, I literally handed all of my worries over to God.  My problems are not my problems anymore and, although I still have to live through them, I have no control over them.  My life is in God's hands.  At the very moment I made the decision to do that, I felt a HUGE weight lifted off of me.  Seriously.  When Jeremy would openly worry about finances, I can honestly say I felt no fear.  Not that I didn't care, but I had a welcomed comfort that we were and will be okay. 

But, as I said before, every once in a while, that fear sneaks back up.  I begin to lose a little faith and take those worries back upon myself.  I'll sometimes let it eat away at me for days.  It's infuriating and terrifying, lame and absolutely useless.  And now, since I've used you guys as my little outlet (because I truly hate allowing Jeremy to know I feel this way), I am slowly working my way back to sane.  As I read back over my ever so whiney post, two things seemed to really jump out at me:  God has a plan for us and we are and will be okay.