Not so good news

  My mom has been having some health issues the past few years but the doctors haven't been able to pin point the cause.  She's been in and out of doctor's offices in search of an answer that is actually correct.  She recently went to an ear, nose and throat doctor because she felt she had fluid in her ear.  (She's a nurse and is usually pretty good at knowing what things are when they happen--with the exception of the big picture.)  Sure enough, fluid on the ear.  The doctor set up some other tests to try to determine the cause of the entire problem and she has completed each without any outcome.  All the possibilities had been ruled out.  Ugh.

As I stated a few posts back, they moved across the bay a couple weeks back.  Because of this, we just haven't seen them lately.  Mom and Dad came over last night to see Madelyn after they had eaten.  I just assumed they missed her and wanted to spend some time hanging out.  As we're sitting here, Mom just casually brings up that she had her follow up appointment this past Monday.  I didn't think anything would be wrong because she didn't seem distraught, didn't mention anything until now, and was going on about how everything came back negative. 

This is the point in my post, and in my mind, where things go downhill.  They just spiral out of control.....
  
She went on about how the doctor wanted to scope behind her ear to check things out and that was fine.  Then she wanted to run it down her throat just for further observation and she got sick and thank goodness there was a pan and yadayadayada.  Next thing you know BAM!

The doctor said she found a mass at the bottom of her tongue and that it's soft so she doesn't THINK it's cancer but that she wants to check her again in two months to see if it's grown.  (As a side note, we do have cancer in our family and throat cancer is one of them.)  She said that if it's gotten any larger by then that she'd want to biopsy it.  WELL EXCUSE ME FOR FREAKING OUT.  If it were me, I would have asked to have it byopsied now just to keep me from worrying.  By this time in the conversation, I'm tearing up and they're starting to fall down my face.  My mom keeps on talking like it's no big deal and she's just here to chit chat.  I stop her to ask why is it that I'm the only one in the room upset by this news and they shake it off and say that if the doctor wasn't worried about it then things were fine.  I also commented on the whole biopsy thing and she replies that she didn't want to have to be in the hospital..WHAT?!  I just don't get it.  Now I'm crying big time, and the kids are looking at me like I'd fallen off my bike and scraped my knee.
  
Okay, so if things are okay, then why are you now asking my husband, who works in insurance, to find some kind of policy for you just in case?  I am NOT prepared for any negative outcome here.  I've known my mom's having health issues, but never in a million years would I expect something  like this to be the cause.  NO WAY is this really going to come back as cancer.  It just can't. 

I know I'm not looking at anything as the glass is half full and eventually, hopefully, I'll get back to that.  But right now, every selfish thing is running around in my head.  What if this is true?  I watched one of my grandfather's go through a long miserable road with this.  She can't have something like this.  And what if it can't be controlled?  She is supposed to be around when Madelyn is older to help us pick out prom dresses.  We haven't even finished having kids.  She needs to be here to meet them when the time comes.  I can't have Madelyn and my other children growing up not knowing or remembering her.  I don't want them to feel robbed.  I don't want them to hear crazy stories and have everyone else laughing around but them because they didn't get to know her.  Who would I call when I wanted to just get out of the house, or whine about something, or needed advice about what to wear for an event? 

I have really tried lately to put ALL of my trust in God.  To know that He has a plan and that things will work out however they may.  Well way to throw a curveball in there.  I have learned that although things will not be perfect for those who put all their faith in God, that we will get through things no matter how difficult.  This has got to be my most difficult challenge and now that I've gotten all my fears that come to mind about this situation down, I plan to do exactly what I've been asked.  To put all my trust in Him.  I know me.  And I know that I will still have these spurts of anxeity and I pray that I'll have the courage to just let go and deal with things in the best way possible.  I do ask, however, that if you stumble upon this and you believe in God, to please keep us in your prayers tonight.

I'll be sure to keep updates and hopefully this will turn into just another time where I freaked out for no reason.  If you made it all the way down here, thanks for sticking with my HUGE debbie downer soapbox speech.