Something almost unexplainable...

I really need to write this down.  I need to record it for myself.  Please forgive me...it will be long and you will DEFINATELY think I've completely lost it. I really only have one explaination for it. 


About a month ago, I got a funny feeling that I needed to contact my uncle.  Here's some background info:

My uncle is my Mom's brother.  He's a total screw up and honestly, we avoid our hometown at all costs in fear of being linked to him and the next idiotic thing he's done.  After my grandfather died, the family began to fall.  My grandmother and Uncle stuck together and it was basically them against us.  She died and after her funeral, we were FREE!! There was no obligation to that town or the people in it again (except for my closest friends, of course). The anger toward him was undescribable.  I completely wrote Mike, my uncle, out of my life.  Out of sight, out of mind. 

I didn't really understand why my mom would track him down every once in a while and basically criticized her for it.  I kept asking why she would invite that drama back into her life if she didn't have to and that as much as she hated him, she shouldn't bother.

Back to the present.

I spoke with my parents about the feeling I got and was astounded when my mom told me that my dad had that same feeling.  He tried to look him up on the computer and didn't get very far.  I just thought it was a little odd that we all, all at once, had that funny little feeling. About a week or two ago, we found out that he was, in fact, in jail (actually house arrest) again.

I wrote it off when they told me they were unable to find out anything and told myself that I really didn't care anyway.  What did I care if he was back in jail or drinking again, OR, as much as I hate to admit this, dead.

Believe me when I say that EVERY Sunday during church I kept getting that tug on my heart that I needed to find him.  I just needed to talk to him.  Let me tell you, it's hard to ignore something that keeps bugging you every week.  Especially when it's bugging you in church. 

Well, my mom finally went back to church Sunday.  She didn't go to ours, but hey, as long as she's going, I don't care!  We met for lunch and she told us about a guy who spoke about a man he was sponsoring, or whatever you call it, in Celebrate Recovery.  Mom was floored that the very first time back to church, Celebrate Recovery, a program my Uncle was involved in, would be mentioned. 

Get where I'm going here?  It was like the whole world was telling me to do something.  I told my mom I'd gladly go home with her and try to find him (although I was nautious with the thought of it).  The problem was that Madelyn had dance Wednesday and I didn't want her to miss it.  Then, we have a busy busy weekend full of birthdays and baby showers ahead of us.  So, I'd need to leave Wednesday night and be back before Saturday morning.  That was a really short time span so we never mentioned anything about it again. 

Well, I woke up this morning, opened my computer, stalled for a while, but then started researching.  Call after call after call..... One rude state worker after another.  One let down after another.  I was at my whits end.  Finally, I spoke aloud. "God, if this is truly what you want me to do, please help me.  I need your help.  I don't know what else to do."  I had made up my mind to try ONE more office and if they couldn't/ wouldn't help me, I give up. 

Well I'll be damned (for lack of better words)!  The nicest lady answered, took my information, looked him up and I felt that she truly cared.  She informed me that she didn't think they were able to give out the inmates' personal information but that she would transfer me to the parole office and they should let me speak to his parole officer.  ONE STEP CLOSER!

I explained, for the bazillionth time, what I was looking for and the lady on the phone told me I'd need to speak to one of two men.  Then, she transferred me to that man....The most aweful person answered the phone.  The kind of cop you'd imagine to a T.  I was immediately flustered and managed to stumble through my whole spill once again.  He took my number and name and I told him I was Mike's niece.  I wasn't prepared for what he said next.  "When I talk to Mr. ***, I will give him your number and tell him you called."  I couldn't hold the tears back and I'm sure the guy thought was was a blubbering idiot.  How could I say "Please tell him that God told me I needed to talk to him"?  So, I settled with this mixed with a downpour of tears: "Please tell him that I just felt like I needed to talk to him."  I wasn't expecting much.  Maybe, if I were lucky, a call in the next day or so. 

I called my mom and began telling her what had happened.  My phone beeped and I saw unknown.  I took the call thinking at the very least it was the parole officer wanting to speak with me again.  On the other line I hear "Hey."  The flood gates opened up again.  I did it!  I actually managed to weasle my way throughout the state system and find what I was looking for.  I immediately told him, through all my tears, that everyone was fine, we're all okay, but that I just needed to talk to him.  After calming down, I proceeded to take him through my past month with God. 

I have no idea what this means.  I still have questions and am at a loss for words but I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. My main problem with everything is why it had to be this.  Why, of all the problems and unanswered questions, would God be asking me to confront the ONE thing I have tried so hard to avoid for so long? I KNOW God was talking directly to me.  For some reason, I was supposed to do this.  I feel like a complete nutcase but feel so amazed at what happened at the same time.  So, we'll see where this plan of God's takes us...

I know some of you will believe this and marvel in the grace, I know some of you will  say I've lost it, I know some of you will think "Oh no! Not Brittany too! She's turned into one of those 'God' people." I really don't know what to say to you?!  All I know is that I have no other way to describe what has happened than GOD.