Thursday, September 30, 2010
Best run yet!
Last night was my last run before the race. I was SO excited when I finished and saw my time. I started out very strong but when I turned around to make my way back, I slowed down a bit to ensure I'd make it the whole way. My final time was 31 minutes and some odd seconds. It broke down to 10 minute and 13 second miles!!!! Yes, I am aware that that is not a WONDERFUL time, but again, I'm no pro. I've done better than this but that was on the treadmill and I don't consider it the same type of run. I'm really proud that I finished with a good run and hope to do the same Saturday!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Call me Mrs. Whiney...
What is it with me?? People have just rubbed me the wrong way lately! It seems like everytime I turn around, I'm either posting about something sad, or posting about what someone did to irk the mess out of me! Can you guess which one is today? Well, if you guessed the later of the two, you are correct and win a wonderful prize! (Just kidding, no prize here...)
This all began with a wedding invitation from a high school friend of mine and his fiance who was also a friend. I haven't talked to these people in literally two and a half years and honestly, I never thought I was *that* close to them anyway. I mean, the guy and I hung with the same crowd and we shared some pretty intense heart to hearts but he wasn't one I considered a best friend. Great friend, yes.
So, since the rest of our world has been turned upside down for the moment (see yet another poopy post), Jeremy and I decided it would be best if we opted out of this one. We'd rather keep any extra money around for any unexpected visits we may have to make to visit his grandfather or in case of an emergency . I very politely sent my rsvp card back, and gave it no other thought....
Until I got a text message while sitting down for dinner with my family from a guy I would have considered a best friend. (I mean, had we gone the Catholic route with Madelyn, he was going to be her Godfather.) He wanted to know why we weren't going to make it so I replied back with a generic "We don't have the money right now." He kept pushing the subject so I finally gave in and agreed that if we had some extra money at the time, we'd go. I don't like it when Jeremy is on the phone at the table and I don't like the tv on while we are eating as a family, so it really wasn't fair that I was texting away...So I hurried the conversation to get back to dinner.
Well guess what! No surprise lottery win! So, of course, we didn't go. I mean, we live states away and if I didn't go to another guy's wedding (another one I'd consider a best friend--who was in MY wedding), why would I push myself financially to make an appearance at this one?
I knew this would be an issue and be brought to my friend, Krissy's, attention at the wedding. Sure enough, the text message friend *had* to make a comment to her. In all fairness, I did warn Krissy about this. His feelings were hurt and went so far as to state that I go to all of my husband's "frat boy" weddings (which we do NOT), why couldn't I come to one of my friend's?!
I just don't understand why people always think the very worst of someone. I feel that if this guy were a true friend, he would have known that there was a valid reason I wasn't there. But it isn't really the fact that I'm finding maybe he wasn't as good a friend as I thought, it's more that I don't like being judged unfairly and I don't like it when people always make themselves out to be the victim!
I could have burdened him with all our problems right now. I could have guilt tripped him and made him feel sorry for us, but I don't really feel that it's his business and I also don't want pity. Ya know? It is what it is. There is a lot more in life to be thankful for than not.
At church this weekend, the preacher told us about a woman who came to him for guidance. Her husband had been cheating on her. She loved him. In the end, she decided to keep that between her and her husband (and the preacher, God, and the other woman). She took the blow. She didn't let it go any further than it already had. It could have destroyed a family and ruined a man's reputation in his children's eyes. He said that he felt the woman did a very Godly thing by taking on all of that pain and her husband's sin and keeping it to herself.
I don't really know if I'd be that forgiving if I were in the same situation and hope to never find out. However, what I can do in this situation is let this childishness stop here. I will not give in and contact said friend in defense of myself. There is really no point of explaining myself when all it will do is cause bickering back and forth. Which is why I have you guys!! Right? Thanks for taking on the role as my "punching bag."
This all began with a wedding invitation from a high school friend of mine and his fiance who was also a friend. I haven't talked to these people in literally two and a half years and honestly, I never thought I was *that* close to them anyway. I mean, the guy and I hung with the same crowd and we shared some pretty intense heart to hearts but he wasn't one I considered a best friend. Great friend, yes.
So, since the rest of our world has been turned upside down for the moment (see yet another poopy post), Jeremy and I decided it would be best if we opted out of this one. We'd rather keep any extra money around for any unexpected visits we may have to make to visit his grandfather or in case of an emergency . I very politely sent my rsvp card back, and gave it no other thought....
Until I got a text message while sitting down for dinner with my family from a guy I would have considered a best friend. (I mean, had we gone the Catholic route with Madelyn, he was going to be her Godfather.) He wanted to know why we weren't going to make it so I replied back with a generic "We don't have the money right now." He kept pushing the subject so I finally gave in and agreed that if we had some extra money at the time, we'd go. I don't like it when Jeremy is on the phone at the table and I don't like the tv on while we are eating as a family, so it really wasn't fair that I was texting away...So I hurried the conversation to get back to dinner.
Well guess what! No surprise lottery win! So, of course, we didn't go. I mean, we live states away and if I didn't go to another guy's wedding (another one I'd consider a best friend--who was in MY wedding), why would I push myself financially to make an appearance at this one?
I knew this would be an issue and be brought to my friend, Krissy's, attention at the wedding. Sure enough, the text message friend *had* to make a comment to her. In all fairness, I did warn Krissy about this. His feelings were hurt and went so far as to state that I go to all of my husband's "frat boy" weddings (which we do NOT), why couldn't I come to one of my friend's?!
I just don't understand why people always think the very worst of someone. I feel that if this guy were a true friend, he would have known that there was a valid reason I wasn't there. But it isn't really the fact that I'm finding maybe he wasn't as good a friend as I thought, it's more that I don't like being judged unfairly and I don't like it when people always make themselves out to be the victim!
I could have burdened him with all our problems right now. I could have guilt tripped him and made him feel sorry for us, but I don't really feel that it's his business and I also don't want pity. Ya know? It is what it is. There is a lot more in life to be thankful for than not.
At church this weekend, the preacher told us about a woman who came to him for guidance. Her husband had been cheating on her. She loved him. In the end, she decided to keep that between her and her husband (and the preacher, God, and the other woman). She took the blow. She didn't let it go any further than it already had. It could have destroyed a family and ruined a man's reputation in his children's eyes. He said that he felt the woman did a very Godly thing by taking on all of that pain and her husband's sin and keeping it to herself.
I don't really know if I'd be that forgiving if I were in the same situation and hope to never find out. However, what I can do in this situation is let this childishness stop here. I will not give in and contact said friend in defense of myself. There is really no point of explaining myself when all it will do is cause bickering back and forth. Which is why I have you guys!! Right? Thanks for taking on the role as my "punching bag."
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Four days
I haven't much to say today. Just counting down the days! FOUR days left and here are my last days of training that my "coach" aka Dad has decided: I will run today and tomorrow only. Thursday and Friday are rest days but should be packed with plenty of carbs. His idea of carbs: pasta, Pasta, PASTA! Saturday morning will be a very early one due to parking so make sure to get in a protien bar and lots of water. He even mentioned the possibility of having to go to the restroom after my "breakfast". haha :) I do love my overcompetitive dad!
Ok, so just a little bit more.... You all know I started this with a friend of mine via Couch to 5k. After we finished the program it was so miserably hot that we kinda parted ways and ran at different times. (She's a morning person...I AM NOT.) Because of this, Jeremy was thrilled to step in! He had practically been guilt tripping me for running without him the entire time. We did good for a while and then he had to travel quite a bit for his job. So, for literally the entire month of August, I was abandoned. No friend- she was traveling a lot too- and no husband. Well I sure as heck was not running at night by myself! In comes Super Dad!
Dad's been running for a while now and he really enjoys it. I don't really know if he is doing it for his health, or just to get some time to himself?! Either way, it works, right?! So, I knew I could rely on him to help me keep up my progress. (Remember a while back I mentioned I absolutely MUST have someone there to push me?) I kinda used Jeremy being gone as my excuse to get him to run with me and it worked like a charm!
I have really enjoyed the time I've had with my dad! It's always fun to bond over something you have in common with somone. It's even better when it's someone you already love and respect so much. Anyway, I'm so very pleased that poor Dad got stuck running with me and that he's there to see me to the finish line!!
Ok, so just a little bit more.... You all know I started this with a friend of mine via Couch to 5k. After we finished the program it was so miserably hot that we kinda parted ways and ran at different times. (She's a morning person...I AM NOT.) Because of this, Jeremy was thrilled to step in! He had practically been guilt tripping me for running without him the entire time. We did good for a while and then he had to travel quite a bit for his job. So, for literally the entire month of August, I was abandoned. No friend- she was traveling a lot too- and no husband. Well I sure as heck was not running at night by myself! In comes Super Dad!
Dad's been running for a while now and he really enjoys it. I don't really know if he is doing it for his health, or just to get some time to himself?! Either way, it works, right?! So, I knew I could rely on him to help me keep up my progress. (Remember a while back I mentioned I absolutely MUST have someone there to push me?) I kinda used Jeremy being gone as my excuse to get him to run with me and it worked like a charm!
I have really enjoyed the time I've had with my dad! It's always fun to bond over something you have in common with somone. It's even better when it's someone you already love and respect so much. Anyway, I'm so very pleased that poor Dad got stuck running with me and that he's there to see me to the finish line!!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
It's almost here!!
Ahhh!!! One week from Saturday I run in my very first race! I'm SO excited but I don't really feel prepared. I guess we'll just see?! Anyway, I'm not expecting much because it is a race/walk for Susan G Komen, so I'm sure the walkers will slow me down a bit too. I don't care about winning because let's face it, I'm no pro. However, (here comes the competitiveness) I do want to do as good as/ better than my friend who is running with me! Think what you want, but you know good and darn well that you'd feel that way too :)
Anyway, my countdown and final training has begun and I really hope I don't let myself down. Also, unless things change, this may be my last race for a while. I'm still not really motivated and have found that the race has taken my passion for the run and turned it into more of a chore. I had the best run I've had in a while the other night when I chose to not look at the clock and just go. So, I think I've decided to just work toward more mileage after the race and *hope* that I can find that time as a way to clear my mind and just RUN. I sincerely hope that because I've taken the goal away, I won't slip out of running. So, I may need a little push from you guys to keep me going!
Anyway, my countdown and final training has begun and I really hope I don't let myself down. Also, unless things change, this may be my last race for a while. I'm still not really motivated and have found that the race has taken my passion for the run and turned it into more of a chore. I had the best run I've had in a while the other night when I chose to not look at the clock and just go. So, I think I've decided to just work toward more mileage after the race and *hope* that I can find that time as a way to clear my mind and just RUN. I sincerely hope that because I've taken the goal away, I won't slip out of running. So, I may need a little push from you guys to keep me going!
Monday, September 20, 2010
A little down
Do you ever find yourself asking "Why?" or saying "It just isn't fair" ? I'm there today. It's been a while since I've felt this way and I really HATE questioning God and the plans he has for us.
After a rather long short weekend at Jeremy's parents, I was already feeling a little blue. His grandfather was diagnosed with all kinds of cancer a few months ago and things just haven't been looking up. We took this past weekend to celebrate his 79th birthday with him and the family. It is so hard to ache for a loved one, but I am finding now that it may be even harder to watch the ones you love in anguish. Not only am I sad that he is hurting and that we will eventually lose a great man, I am deeply saddened to watch Jeremy and his family go through this. Be sad. Force a smile of their faces. Push through their tears. Deal with death.
I've been there. I've watched three grandparents (one had already passed before I was born) deteriorate and die. I was young, I was a teenager, I was an adult. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. Seeing someone you love slowly dwindle away and not being able to do something to help them. It's been years and I still tend to get choked up about those last few memories I have of them.
Now, maybe I am being a bit morbid here, but I am very thankful that all of these people have lived their lives. I would struggle a lot more if it were children in these situations. I'm sure I would certainly lose control if that were the case. However, as I'm sure most of us know, it is still hard to deal with death and saying goodbye.
After all of that, my mom calls after another doctor appointment of her own. She's still being tossed around from doctor to doctor trying to find out what is going on with her and the migranes and dizzy spells she's been having. She's been out of work for three months now, she's constantly "sick" or worrying if she's going to get "sick", she has no answers, and she's worried about how they're going to be able to get through all of this financially. Let me promise you this: there is NOTHING worse than your own parent crying for whatever reason. In our minds, our parents are rocks. They're the ones who hold US together.
AND, to top it all off.....we just can't catch a break with our darn house in SC....
So, after all of this, I find myself asking those questions again. I'm just kinda blah ya know? I want to be positive and strong. If not for myself, for those around me. I want to believe that God knows what He's doing (of course He does) but I'm struggling a bit right now. This is a test and one that I'm uncertain I'll pass. How is it that one can remain faithful through despair?
On a completely different note:
I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND. HE IS LOVELY AND CHARMING AND ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. HE IS THE MOST HANDSOME MAN I KNOW AND I'M SO PROUD THAT HE'S THE ONE FOR ME!
After a rather long short weekend at Jeremy's parents, I was already feeling a little blue. His grandfather was diagnosed with all kinds of cancer a few months ago and things just haven't been looking up. We took this past weekend to celebrate his 79th birthday with him and the family. It is so hard to ache for a loved one, but I am finding now that it may be even harder to watch the ones you love in anguish. Not only am I sad that he is hurting and that we will eventually lose a great man, I am deeply saddened to watch Jeremy and his family go through this. Be sad. Force a smile of their faces. Push through their tears. Deal with death.
I've been there. I've watched three grandparents (one had already passed before I was born) deteriorate and die. I was young, I was a teenager, I was an adult. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. Seeing someone you love slowly dwindle away and not being able to do something to help them. It's been years and I still tend to get choked up about those last few memories I have of them.
Now, maybe I am being a bit morbid here, but I am very thankful that all of these people have lived their lives. I would struggle a lot more if it were children in these situations. I'm sure I would certainly lose control if that were the case. However, as I'm sure most of us know, it is still hard to deal with death and saying goodbye.
After all of that, my mom calls after another doctor appointment of her own. She's still being tossed around from doctor to doctor trying to find out what is going on with her and the migranes and dizzy spells she's been having. She's been out of work for three months now, she's constantly "sick" or worrying if she's going to get "sick", she has no answers, and she's worried about how they're going to be able to get through all of this financially. Let me promise you this: there is NOTHING worse than your own parent crying for whatever reason. In our minds, our parents are rocks. They're the ones who hold US together.
AND, to top it all off.....we just can't catch a break with our darn house in SC....
So, after all of this, I find myself asking those questions again. I'm just kinda blah ya know? I want to be positive and strong. If not for myself, for those around me. I want to believe that God knows what He's doing (of course He does) but I'm struggling a bit right now. This is a test and one that I'm uncertain I'll pass. How is it that one can remain faithful through despair?
On a completely different note:
I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND. HE IS LOVELY AND CHARMING AND ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. HE IS THE MOST HANDSOME MAN I KNOW AND I'M SO PROUD THAT HE'S THE ONE FOR ME!
( Jeremy is working from home today and came in as I was typing. He said I should write about him and the above was what he suggested. He said he was going to check to see if I followed through on his suggestion. So, I haven't lost my mind, just seeing if he follows through on his word!)
Lastly, since this is such a depressing and crummy post, I feel the need to post some of the fun pics from this weekend. Enjoy and thanks for bearing with me again!
A day with Papaw
Country girl at heart
Ridin'
Mommy wants a turn!
Sweet love
Happy
Play time
Kissing her first fish!
Lovin on her cousin Logan
Fishing with Papaw :)
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I've said it a thousand times...
My baby isn't a baby anymore. I'm so very proud of her and her achievements, but so very sad that she's growing up. I've seen her do very "grown up" things before and, of course, raved about it to you guys. However, I do believe yesterday was the topper.
On days that I wash clothes, we usually have a "lazy" day where we stay in our pjs until I'm finished washing. So, Madelyn was in her Mermaid gown and one of her dress up tutus. She came to me while I was busy doing something and said she wanted to get dressed. I told her to give me a few minutes and that I would go pick out her clothes for the day. I go back to my chore and she runs off to play...I thought.
Shortly after, she came running back with a dress in hand that I knew she had managed to pull out of her closet! I was slightly amused at what she had done and it was only getting better. She then said, "I dress myself, Mommy." She proceeded to take off her gown, tutu and old panties and, with a little verbal direction from me, she slipped her dress over her head and found the arm holes. Yes, I know this sounds very simple. However, to a two year old, this is a work of art! The dress she had picked out was one that is just a little big on her but I just didn't have the heart to tell her she couldn't wear it when she'd gone through all that trouble.
When she wasn't looking, I walked into her room to scan for disasters she'd made while picking out her dress. NOTHING. Her closet was already open, but she had turned the light on all by herself, tugged the dress off the hanger, and opened the only drawer she could reach in search of her panties. Okay, again, I know this doesn't sound like much to most of you. In fact, I know it's a little dull and boring. But to me, it's BIG! Next thing I know, she'll be doing the dishes and washing the clothes.......Hey, a girl can dream right?!
At the risk of sounding like one of the several thousand people who bug the mess out of us when our babies are just babies, hold them tight and don't rush things. They grow up SO fast.
On days that I wash clothes, we usually have a "lazy" day where we stay in our pjs until I'm finished washing. So, Madelyn was in her Mermaid gown and one of her dress up tutus. She came to me while I was busy doing something and said she wanted to get dressed. I told her to give me a few minutes and that I would go pick out her clothes for the day. I go back to my chore and she runs off to play...I thought.
Shortly after, she came running back with a dress in hand that I knew she had managed to pull out of her closet! I was slightly amused at what she had done and it was only getting better. She then said, "I dress myself, Mommy." She proceeded to take off her gown, tutu and old panties and, with a little verbal direction from me, she slipped her dress over her head and found the arm holes. Yes, I know this sounds very simple. However, to a two year old, this is a work of art! The dress she had picked out was one that is just a little big on her but I just didn't have the heart to tell her she couldn't wear it when she'd gone through all that trouble.
When she wasn't looking, I walked into her room to scan for disasters she'd made while picking out her dress. NOTHING. Her closet was already open, but she had turned the light on all by herself, tugged the dress off the hanger, and opened the only drawer she could reach in search of her panties. Okay, again, I know this doesn't sound like much to most of you. In fact, I know it's a little dull and boring. But to me, it's BIG! Next thing I know, she'll be doing the dishes and washing the clothes.......Hey, a girl can dream right?!
At the risk of sounding like one of the several thousand people who bug the mess out of us when our babies are just babies, hold them tight and don't rush things. They grow up SO fast.
Monday, September 13, 2010
A wonderful weekend!
Don't you just LOVE those weekends where it's just you, your husband, and your children? I truly adore them! As much fun as being with the rest of our family or with being with friends is, sometimes I just crave that "alone" time with Jeremy and Madelyn. It's "our" time and it's even better when we get out and enjoy this wonderful city we live in! ( There's so much to do here and in the surrounding cities.) Jeremy and I get to cherish our little two year old angel and make just a few more memories as a family :)
We started the weekend off with a bang! Jeremy called and told me to read over an email that ticketmaster had sent him. Well guess what!!! We got not one, but TWO free tickets to Disney on Ice!! Not the nosebleed seats and not the floor seats, but the good ones just a step up from floor! The Little Mermaid and Tinkerbell were a part of it so Madelyn was in HEAVEN! She was glued the entire time. It really was wonderful and even better since it was free :)
We started the weekend off with a bang! Jeremy called and told me to read over an email that ticketmaster had sent him. Well guess what!!! We got not one, but TWO free tickets to Disney on Ice!! Not the nosebleed seats and not the floor seats, but the good ones just a step up from floor! The Little Mermaid and Tinkerbell were a part of it so Madelyn was in HEAVEN! She was glued the entire time. It really was wonderful and even better since it was free :)
We continued our adventures Saturday at the zoo!!! We took Madelyn when she was younger but haven't been back since. Well, they do a swap program with the aquarium and we were able to get in free! Hooray for another day of "free" entertainment! Did I mention that I LOVE this city?? Anyway, it was definately hot but bearable. We had a great time visiting with the animals and we spent a lot of time at the snakes, sting rays and manatees! Madelyn really likes the snakes which I think is cool and Jeremy despises. You could pet the sting rays and they seemed to really like Madelyn so she thought that was just the greatest. And well, for my own selfish reasons, we hung out with the manatees! Yes, we visited the elephants, and petting zoo, and giraffes, and monkeys and she did ride the ponies too! It was an all out fun time!
We then took Madelyn for her first "real" haircut. I've trimmed it before but just didn't feel like dealing with that this time around. So, I carefully told the lady that I wanted to make sure we could still do a pony tail since it took us two years to get one and that I DID NOT want bangs. So, as a result, she looks completely the same to me as she did before we got it cut! That being said, does it still count as a hair cut?? Oh, and she did GREAT!
We finished the night with Hibachi dinner and a trip to build a bear :) She had a great time making her new friend which she named Princess Bear. We dressed it in a ballerina outfit and it is super cute!
We were eager for church Sunday morning and then I had a baby shower to attend. Madelyn had a blast with her Daddy and then we went to my parents' so that my dad and I could run! It was such a wonderful weekend and we're sure to have just as much fun tonight! Dance (which I'm still not too sure about), followed by box seats at the Rays game!!! Yay for fun times with the family :)
(Madelyn was definately smiling for the camera but not paying it much attention.)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Something almost unexplainable...
I really need to write this down. I need to record it for myself. Please forgive me...it will be long and you will DEFINATELY think I've completely lost it. I really only have one explaination for it.
About a month ago, I got a funny feeling that I needed to contact my uncle. Here's some background info:
My uncle is my Mom's brother. He's a total screw up and honestly, we avoid our hometown at all costs in fear of being linked to him and the next idiotic thing he's done. After my grandfather died, the family began to fall. My grandmother and Uncle stuck together and it was basically them against us. She died and after her funeral, we were FREE!! There was no obligation to that town or the people in it again (except for my closest friends, of course). The anger toward him was undescribable. I completely wrote Mike, my uncle, out of my life. Out of sight, out of mind.
I didn't really understand why my mom would track him down every once in a while and basically criticized her for it. I kept asking why she would invite that drama back into her life if she didn't have to and that as much as she hated him, she shouldn't bother.
Back to the present.
I spoke with my parents about the feeling I got and was astounded when my mom told me that my dad had that same feeling. He tried to look him up on the computer and didn't get very far. I just thought it was a little odd that we all, all at once, had that funny little feeling. About a week or two ago, we found out that he was, in fact, in jail (actually house arrest) again.
I wrote it off when they told me they were unable to find out anything and told myself that I really didn't care anyway. What did I care if he was back in jail or drinking again, OR, as much as I hate to admit this, dead.
Believe me when I say that EVERY Sunday during church I kept getting that tug on my heart that I needed to find him. I just needed to talk to him. Let me tell you, it's hard to ignore something that keeps bugging you every week. Especially when it's bugging you in church.
Well, my mom finally went back to church Sunday. She didn't go to ours, but hey, as long as she's going, I don't care! We met for lunch and she told us about a guy who spoke about a man he was sponsoring, or whatever you call it, in Celebrate Recovery. Mom was floored that the very first time back to church, Celebrate Recovery, a program my Uncle was involved in, would be mentioned.
Get where I'm going here? It was like the whole world was telling me to do something. I told my mom I'd gladly go home with her and try to find him (although I was nautious with the thought of it). The problem was that Madelyn had dance Wednesday and I didn't want her to miss it. Then, we have a busy busy weekend full of birthdays and baby showers ahead of us. So, I'd need to leave Wednesday night and be back before Saturday morning. That was a really short time span so we never mentioned anything about it again.
Well, I woke up this morning, opened my computer, stalled for a while, but then started researching. Call after call after call..... One rude state worker after another. One let down after another. I was at my whits end. Finally, I spoke aloud. "God, if this is truly what you want me to do, please help me. I need your help. I don't know what else to do." I had made up my mind to try ONE more office and if they couldn't/ wouldn't help me, I give up.
Well I'll be damned (for lack of better words)! The nicest lady answered, took my information, looked him up and I felt that she truly cared. She informed me that she didn't think they were able to give out the inmates' personal information but that she would transfer me to the parole office and they should let me speak to his parole officer. ONE STEP CLOSER!
I explained, for the bazillionth time, what I was looking for and the lady on the phone told me I'd need to speak to one of two men. Then, she transferred me to that man....The most aweful person answered the phone. The kind of cop you'd imagine to a T. I was immediately flustered and managed to stumble through my whole spill once again. He took my number and name and I told him I was Mike's niece. I wasn't prepared for what he said next. "When I talk to Mr. ***, I will give him your number and tell him you called." I couldn't hold the tears back and I'm sure the guy thought was was a blubbering idiot. How could I say "Please tell him that God told me I needed to talk to him"? So, I settled with this mixed with a downpour of tears: "Please tell him that I just felt like I needed to talk to him." I wasn't expecting much. Maybe, if I were lucky, a call in the next day or so.
I called my mom and began telling her what had happened. My phone beeped and I saw unknown. I took the call thinking at the very least it was the parole officer wanting to speak with me again. On the other line I hear "Hey." The flood gates opened up again. I did it! I actually managed to weasle my way throughout the state system and find what I was looking for. I immediately told him, through all my tears, that everyone was fine, we're all okay, but that I just needed to talk to him. After calming down, I proceeded to take him through my past month with God.
I have no idea what this means. I still have questions and am at a loss for words but I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. My main problem with everything is why it had to be this. Why, of all the problems and unanswered questions, would God be asking me to confront the ONE thing I have tried so hard to avoid for so long? I KNOW God was talking directly to me. For some reason, I was supposed to do this. I feel like a complete nutcase but feel so amazed at what happened at the same time. So, we'll see where this plan of God's takes us...
I know some of you will believe this and marvel in the grace, I know some of you will say I've lost it, I know some of you will think "Oh no! Not Brittany too! She's turned into one of those 'God' people." I really don't know what to say to you?! All I know is that I have no other way to describe what has happened than GOD.
About a month ago, I got a funny feeling that I needed to contact my uncle. Here's some background info:
My uncle is my Mom's brother. He's a total screw up and honestly, we avoid our hometown at all costs in fear of being linked to him and the next idiotic thing he's done. After my grandfather died, the family began to fall. My grandmother and Uncle stuck together and it was basically them against us. She died and after her funeral, we were FREE!! There was no obligation to that town or the people in it again (except for my closest friends, of course). The anger toward him was undescribable. I completely wrote Mike, my uncle, out of my life. Out of sight, out of mind.
I didn't really understand why my mom would track him down every once in a while and basically criticized her for it. I kept asking why she would invite that drama back into her life if she didn't have to and that as much as she hated him, she shouldn't bother.
Back to the present.
I spoke with my parents about the feeling I got and was astounded when my mom told me that my dad had that same feeling. He tried to look him up on the computer and didn't get very far. I just thought it was a little odd that we all, all at once, had that funny little feeling. About a week or two ago, we found out that he was, in fact, in jail (actually house arrest) again.
I wrote it off when they told me they were unable to find out anything and told myself that I really didn't care anyway. What did I care if he was back in jail or drinking again, OR, as much as I hate to admit this, dead.
Believe me when I say that EVERY Sunday during church I kept getting that tug on my heart that I needed to find him. I just needed to talk to him. Let me tell you, it's hard to ignore something that keeps bugging you every week. Especially when it's bugging you in church.
Well, my mom finally went back to church Sunday. She didn't go to ours, but hey, as long as she's going, I don't care! We met for lunch and she told us about a guy who spoke about a man he was sponsoring, or whatever you call it, in Celebrate Recovery. Mom was floored that the very first time back to church, Celebrate Recovery, a program my Uncle was involved in, would be mentioned.
Get where I'm going here? It was like the whole world was telling me to do something. I told my mom I'd gladly go home with her and try to find him (although I was nautious with the thought of it). The problem was that Madelyn had dance Wednesday and I didn't want her to miss it. Then, we have a busy busy weekend full of birthdays and baby showers ahead of us. So, I'd need to leave Wednesday night and be back before Saturday morning. That was a really short time span so we never mentioned anything about it again.
Well, I woke up this morning, opened my computer, stalled for a while, but then started researching. Call after call after call..... One rude state worker after another. One let down after another. I was at my whits end. Finally, I spoke aloud. "God, if this is truly what you want me to do, please help me. I need your help. I don't know what else to do." I had made up my mind to try ONE more office and if they couldn't/ wouldn't help me, I give up.
Well I'll be damned (for lack of better words)! The nicest lady answered, took my information, looked him up and I felt that she truly cared. She informed me that she didn't think they were able to give out the inmates' personal information but that she would transfer me to the parole office and they should let me speak to his parole officer. ONE STEP CLOSER!
I explained, for the bazillionth time, what I was looking for and the lady on the phone told me I'd need to speak to one of two men. Then, she transferred me to that man....The most aweful person answered the phone. The kind of cop you'd imagine to a T. I was immediately flustered and managed to stumble through my whole spill once again. He took my number and name and I told him I was Mike's niece. I wasn't prepared for what he said next. "When I talk to Mr. ***, I will give him your number and tell him you called." I couldn't hold the tears back and I'm sure the guy thought was was a blubbering idiot. How could I say "Please tell him that God told me I needed to talk to him"? So, I settled with this mixed with a downpour of tears: "Please tell him that I just felt like I needed to talk to him." I wasn't expecting much. Maybe, if I were lucky, a call in the next day or so.
I called my mom and began telling her what had happened. My phone beeped and I saw unknown. I took the call thinking at the very least it was the parole officer wanting to speak with me again. On the other line I hear "Hey." The flood gates opened up again. I did it! I actually managed to weasle my way throughout the state system and find what I was looking for. I immediately told him, through all my tears, that everyone was fine, we're all okay, but that I just needed to talk to him. After calming down, I proceeded to take him through my past month with God.
I have no idea what this means. I still have questions and am at a loss for words but I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. My main problem with everything is why it had to be this. Why, of all the problems and unanswered questions, would God be asking me to confront the ONE thing I have tried so hard to avoid for so long? I KNOW God was talking directly to me. For some reason, I was supposed to do this. I feel like a complete nutcase but feel so amazed at what happened at the same time. So, we'll see where this plan of God's takes us...
I know some of you will believe this and marvel in the grace, I know some of you will say I've lost it, I know some of you will think "Oh no! Not Brittany too! She's turned into one of those 'God' people." I really don't know what to say to you?! All I know is that I have no other way to describe what has happened than GOD.
Worst run ever!
Disgust. That about sums up my feelings about my run last night. I REALLY hope it was so bad simply because it had just rained and on top of dodging traffic because I chose to run around the neighborhood, I also had to dodge huge rain puddles (which is why I ran in the middle of the street). It was muggy, my tummy was still pretty full from dinner and my heart simply wasn't in it. I don't enjoy running around the neighborhood. I much prefer running by the bay. My fear with all of this is that I have gotten too used to running on the treadmill. My race is sneaking up on me and I feel like I'm regressing this week NOT progressing.
My mood this week is terrible. I am just tired and over running right now. All my shows are coming back on for the season. Jeremy is finally home after an entire month of traveling for his job. Madelyn has dance two nights a week and our weekends have been jammed pack lately. So, I really just want to sit my hiney on the couch with my family and enjoy time with them. Not run.
I have got to get back into my morning runs. It's the only choice. Wake up early again? Ick.
My mood this week is terrible. I am just tired and over running right now. All my shows are coming back on for the season. Jeremy is finally home after an entire month of traveling for his job. Madelyn has dance two nights a week and our weekends have been jammed pack lately. So, I really just want to sit my hiney on the couch with my family and enjoy time with them. Not run.
I have got to get back into my morning runs. It's the only choice. Wake up early again? Ick.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
ugh! The nerve!
I am SO fired up right now! I just don't get some people and why they feel the need to open their big fat mouths. Well, in this case, let their fingers do the talking! Futhermore, if you are going to proceed in that direction, the least you can do is step up and take the credit. I know I know... You are wondering what the heck I'm talking about. Let me warn you that I bit my tongue a bit (trying something new these days) and I am more than likely going to say what I truly wanted to say.
A friend of mine just had her first baby and has been wonderful at keeping us all informed via her blog. She talks about the typical stuff. You know, the lack of sleep, food, baby's progress, etc. I checked it today and she talked about her baby's trouble with the formula she's been taking and the fact that they will be switching it once again. Okay. I get it. If one thing doesn't work, try another. No big deal right? I scrolled down to post a comment and happened upon a comment that truly made me cringe.
Anonymous wrote something about breastfeeding minimizing the chances of baby having stomach issues (I'm completely fine with someone giving a little advice.) and then BAM! There it was! "Too bad you didn't do that for your baby." Are you kidding me?? How DARE someone make a comment like that. I mean, I may have read it in the wrong context, but what other way do you take it? I saw it as a snide remark belittling the women who, for whatever reason, did not breast feed. And directly putting down on my friend! This person either didn't know her in college very well, OR was flat out asking for my friend to drop kick her computer style!
I have several problems with this comment. One, unless you are close to the person in question, you don't know their circumstances or the reasons for the decisions made. Don't judge others simply because it's something you would/wouldn't do. Two, don't make snide remarks on a person's personal blog. It's just childish and achieves nothing but firing up that person and the people who care most for him/her. Third and final, if you still feel the need to make this type of comment, grow some balls (or tits I guess??) and be proud of who you are. Don't hide behind "anonymous". If you feel strongly enough to comment, then you should be more than willing to stand up for what you said and take the wrath that is sure to come.
Although I haven't personally seen my friend in action, she's a GREAT mother already and puts her daughter first in every decision. If you ever want to know someone who will truly cherish the gift of a child and that of being a mom, she's the one to seek. Now believe me, we've had our moments where we didn't feel very fond of each other. I know this post makes it sound as if we are "bffs 48". Trust me, that is simply not the case. However, as we grew up, we (or maybe just I?) began to respect the choices the other makes and see her for the adult she is, not the college student she was.
** I did not breast feed. However, I am not personally offended by the person's remark. Honestly. I really could care less about people thinking I was wrong in my choice. I was fully prepared to be flamed for my decision. **
Thinking back, I bet that person thinks I was PERSONALLY offended. Crap. I shouldn't have gone on about how I didn't breast feed and that Madelyn was perfectly healthy. But I was trying to make a point. Darn it. Hmm....Maybe that person will mosey on over to my blog so that he/she can see how I really feel.
Well, thanks for letting me get that out of my system. Much better now.
A friend of mine just had her first baby and has been wonderful at keeping us all informed via her blog. She talks about the typical stuff. You know, the lack of sleep, food, baby's progress, etc. I checked it today and she talked about her baby's trouble with the formula she's been taking and the fact that they will be switching it once again. Okay. I get it. If one thing doesn't work, try another. No big deal right? I scrolled down to post a comment and happened upon a comment that truly made me cringe.
Anonymous wrote something about breastfeeding minimizing the chances of baby having stomach issues (I'm completely fine with someone giving a little advice.) and then BAM! There it was! "Too bad you didn't do that for your baby." Are you kidding me?? How DARE someone make a comment like that. I mean, I may have read it in the wrong context, but what other way do you take it? I saw it as a snide remark belittling the women who, for whatever reason, did not breast feed. And directly putting down on my friend! This person either didn't know her in college very well, OR was flat out asking for my friend to drop kick her computer style!
I have several problems with this comment. One, unless you are close to the person in question, you don't know their circumstances or the reasons for the decisions made. Don't judge others simply because it's something you would/wouldn't do. Two, don't make snide remarks on a person's personal blog. It's just childish and achieves nothing but firing up that person and the people who care most for him/her. Third and final, if you still feel the need to make this type of comment, grow some balls (or tits I guess??) and be proud of who you are. Don't hide behind "anonymous". If you feel strongly enough to comment, then you should be more than willing to stand up for what you said and take the wrath that is sure to come.
Although I haven't personally seen my friend in action, she's a GREAT mother already and puts her daughter first in every decision. If you ever want to know someone who will truly cherish the gift of a child and that of being a mom, she's the one to seek. Now believe me, we've had our moments where we didn't feel very fond of each other. I know this post makes it sound as if we are "bffs 48". Trust me, that is simply not the case. However, as we grew up, we (or maybe just I?) began to respect the choices the other makes and see her for the adult she is, not the college student she was.
** I did not breast feed. However, I am not personally offended by the person's remark. Honestly. I really could care less about people thinking I was wrong in my choice. I was fully prepared to be flamed for my decision. **
Thinking back, I bet that person thinks I was PERSONALLY offended. Crap. I shouldn't have gone on about how I didn't breast feed and that Madelyn was perfectly healthy. But I was trying to make a point. Darn it. Hmm....Maybe that person will mosey on over to my blog so that he/she can see how I really feel.
Well, thanks for letting me get that out of my system. Much better now.
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